I just spoke to you on the phone.

And you told me…

I don’t have time to listen to you when you’re like this.

Like what? Depressed? Alone? Angry? Frustrated? I’m just a burden to you.

I told you you’re being rude.

And you told me I’m the one that’s rude.

You can never do no wrong. Your words, your actions, they’re spiteful. They cut me deep, I hung the phone up and started crying.

It’s the 1st of December today.

Everyone’s putting their Christmas trees up, their lights, they’re singing Christmas songs and fa-la-la’ing… and us? Well me and Zach spent the morning together. Singing Christmas songs and opening our advent calendars.

Whilst you’re away. Doing your own thing. And you don’t have the slightest bit of guilt about it.

You didn’t say you wished you were here. You haven’t told us you miss us. You haven’t expressed any interest in what we’re doing, and how you wished you could’ve seen his face when he saw an advent calendar for the first time.

You’re selfish.

One day I hope you learn what it is to be a family. But when that day comes, we will probably already be gone. I’m sick of it.

Waiting for you to change is like waiting for pigs to fly.

You’re blissfully unaware of the darkness that overwhelms my mind everyday.

You go about your day to day life, and just forget that I’m still here. Suffering.

You take me for granted because you know that I’ll always be here, at home, waiting for you to come back.

You know that I have nowhere else to turn to, isn’t that why we’re so far from our families? Because you need me to depend solely on you, so you have control over me.

You’ve ripped away all the things that started to give me my independence back, I don’t go to the gym anymore I had to quit because of you. I’ve had to stop my cleaning job, because of you.

We’re not a family. This isn’t what families are. It’s me and our son, and then it’s you. You live your life. Mr big shot at the gym, dozens of friends, can drive and go wherever and whenever he likes, can do whatever he wants to do, and only “help” when it suits him (and then moans about it)

“Please just watch Zach for 5 minutes so I can eat something”

“*sigh* I’m so busy”

“Please can you watch him so I can just shower I’ll be as quick as I can”

“Only if you’re quick”

Majority of the time I have to bring my son into the bathroom with me because you can’t watch him for 2 minutes. Despite working from home and telling me that you will be more of a family man, more involved because this job will allow you to do that.

I don’t know how much longer I can go on believing that this house is a home, that it’s filled with happiness. I make it seem like everything is dandy. When really, welcome to hell, population: 1.

Some days are harder than others.

My anxiety keeps me from leaving the house. I’ve been in all week, and it isn’t fair on my son. He’s none the wiser since he’s so young, but the guilt absolutely riddles me. I left the house today with him, I walked about 30 steps away from the house and ended up turning back and going home because I started to have a panic attack. I don’t want to force myself into a situation I’m uncomfortable with because I’m alone here with him, it’s not fair for him to be with me when I’m like that.

He is my safe place, he makes everything better. We cuddled on the sofa for his nap, normally he goes into his cot, but instead he fell asleep in my arms, I just wanted to hold my son, he makes me feel happier. I’m grateful to have him. Without him I don’t think I would be here… actually I don’t think, I know.

Sorry for the rant. I’m typing without even thinking, I just needed to spill.

This is becoming a daily occurrence for me.

Everyday I sit and watch the clouds go by in the somewhat dreary sky, and think about how much I miss my home.

You’re probably thinking I’m talking about a house, but I’m not.

A home can be more than bricks and mortar, it can be people.

I’m so far away from my home that I just stop and breakdown sometimes. I become overwhelmed with this sudden sadness and it’s painful. I feel like clutching at my chest to just try and stop the pain, but I let it eat at me.

I let it feed away on my emotions, sucking my bones dry until I’m nothing but a limp skeleton on the bedroom floor thinking, when did it get to this?

I went along with the bullshit fairytale I was given about having a fresh start, a better life, to feel somewhat rejuvenated and happier.

“A change of scenery, it helps to better the mind”

How? When it’s 200+ miles away from everyone and everything you know, and knowing you’ll never go back.

That’s where it hits me… on days like this, when all I want is to visit my parents with my son, go out for the afternoon, walk the family dog and have company, knowing that I can’t just hop into a cab, or jump on the bus to visit my brother, stay at my sisters for the night, take my nieces and nephews out. I’m stuck here. With no one around me.

I feel like “I miss home” doesn’t explain the severity of the pain within me. How deep it lies and how fucking distraught I am.

I just want to go home.

I feel alone in your presence.

I talk and you don’t hear me.

I laugh and it’s ignored.

I scream and you tell me to be quiet.

But tell me, how else do I get your attention?

Enlighten me on another way I can grasp your eyes for more than 2 seconds.

To listen to me speak and reciprocate an answer without the light of your phone beaming on to your face.

To interlock your gaze with mine and feel the electricity we once had.

Let’s have a conversation that isn’t one sided.

Ask me how my day has been.

Tell me this top suits me.

Tuck the hair behind my ear like you used to and give me a kiss.

I crave your attention, because I never have any of it… it runs deep within my veins that one slight dismissal from you feels like you’ve cut a main artery… and here I am, bleeding.

Bleeding the love I have for you, spilling this ink because I have no other way to vent about you.

You’re here… but, you’re not.

You say you are… but, you’re not.

You haven’t been for a very long time.

You might not be pushing me away intentionally… but you’re not fighting to keep me either.

Feed your mind like you feed your body.

Feed it thoughts of happiness, take yourself into a world of pure clarity and bliss, whether you’re in the battle zone or going in to war, take a second to breathe the air around you and appreciate the oxygen filling up your lungs. Notice how full you feel, listen to the beat of your own heart within your chest.

There’s 2 wolves inside us all.

It’s a matter of fighting for which one you want to win.